Wait it Out
by dulcia somnia
Summary: In the aftermath of Sirius's death, Remus and Tonks begin to dig deeper into their relationship and the future. Will Remus listen to reason and move past his issues, or will he choose to wait it out?


**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series. If I did, I'd regret Romione, and that is **_**never**_** gonna happen. I also don't own the song Wait it Out, which is by Imogen Heap.**

**A/N: First Remus and Tonks fic! But I have loved that ship forever. This has been in the works for probably a year and really the only reason it took so long to finish was because I was figuring out songs that went with it. I'd hear one that fit and I'd want to change it up to write the fic with that song. So I ended up with practically a playlist of songs for the message of my piece, but never actually completed it. It took ages, but I finally finished a ronks piece.**

**Songs for the fic (Please listen to them. It makes the experience that much better. And if you're on mobile, you get a cookie for additional effort.):**

**1.** **Wait it Out by Imogen Heap (This one's obvious. The inspiration of the piece. Lyrics are included, but the music's the bomb.)**

**2.** **Do it Now by Ingrid Michaelson (I wanted to use this for Tonks' perspective. Wait it Out works so well with it! You have to listen to both. No excuses.)**

**3.** **Headlock by Imogen Heap (More Imogen! Headlock is simply perfection.)**

**Well that was long. *berates self for discussing fic before fic was read* Right. No more rambling. Read on.**

Wait it Out

He thought he was past this. When he met Harry and taught at Hogwarts, the only place that was ever truly home, he thought the chapter of mourning Lily and James and the good old days at school was closed forever. Then Sirius was a part of his life once more and the Order formed again, reflecting the time of the first order, with tragic subtractions and useful additions.

Remus had moved on. He had just returned home from an Order mission and it was not home anymore. The most effective change, at least to the rest of the world, was the death of Voldemort, ending an era of terrible war. But it did not change Remus' life for the better. The dark lord's death had a price: Lily and James. And Voldemort's power, Remus discovered later, seemed to have taken another dear friend from him. Sirius had gone mad and betrayed his best friends to Voldemort and murdered innocent muggles. The war Remus fought took everything from him for the sake of victory. The next few months, Remus was simply stunned and angry. He moved on from his life by working odd jobs in the muggle world to get by. Sirius' betrayal was absolutely unexpected. No one who knew the handsome man's insolent but chivalrous heart could deny his love for Lily and James Potter and utter hatred of Voldemort and the Death Eaters.

In fact, that chapter of Remus' life seemed to have shut itself the second he found out his group of friends was broken. Years later, things never looked better for Remus, who had his best friend and most of his Order friends once more. He thought to himself when Harry, Hermione, and the Weasley's stayed at Grimmauld that he was sort of a father figure and a brother, although family and werewolves do not mix.

He found hope after fifteen years of misery. However, time flipped back to that old chapter, and Sirius fell through the veil, Harry's grief-filled screams following. His domino world toppled. Voldemort was gaining power fast, his hand reaching into the Ministry. Dumbledore, the epitome of light and goodness, seemed more frail every time Remus saw him.

He was stuck in that moment when the first domino was knocked down, falling interminably yet inevitably like Sirius, allowing his mind to panic more and more as the seconds passed. Remus realized then just how pointless his life would be from that moment on. Death was in his footsteps and he was on an endless path. Why couldn't Death have a go at him instead of his loved ones? He was powerless in this war. He had to believe that the Order will bring an end to Voldemort once and for all, but until then all they could do was fight as best as they can. People will suffer and die and he'll be left all alone.

_**Where do we go from here?**_

_**How do we carry on?**_

_**I can't get beyond the questions.**_

_**Clambering for the scraps**_

_**In the shatter of us collapsed.**_

_**It cuts me with every could-have-been.**_

He walked on, watching his footsteps on the wet London sidewalk. It was surprising that he hasn't hurt himself yet from not paying attention to what he was doing. These days, he thought quite a bit, usually behind books in company so as to avoid conversation. Molly still pestered him, however, and he distracted her by bringing up her children. She could go on well enough whenever he brought up Bill or Charlie.

So he was left to his thoughts, trying not to react when Sirius' name pops up by accident. And he liked it that way. Because no one could understand what it feels like to be completely alone, to wish for death to take him back to his friends and escape his lycanthropy and a second Wizarding War.

"Remus," he heard, pulling him back. Tonks gently touched his arm. Her hair, a dark brown that matched her eyes, reached just down to her shoulders and flew back slightly from the wind. After the Order meeting, he said his goodbyes and grabbed his jumper, ready to apparate home. Tonks grabbed him just in time, determined to make him uncomfortable.

She insisted on accompanying him the long way back to his home and he couldn't bring himself to say no. But he was caught up in his thoughts like usual, and completely forgot that he was walking with his closest friend who isn't dead.

"Remus," she spoke again, louder, "Stay with me now. I am not walking you home to watch you think."

He turned to her and said, "And I'm not here to talk to you about my life, so what else can I do?" Her dark eyes stared back at him for a moment before the couple began walking again.

After a minute, Tonks replied, "I deserve to know what you're thinking. And before you retaliate, I have to say that it is bloody well my right to ask that. You can't keep living like you're the last man on the planet!" Remus frowned at the burst of her pent-up frustration. She allowed him to avoid her company in the beginning, but she started to seek him out these past few days.

Remus stopped again, and Tonks faced him again, her face stoic, prepared for his frustration. "My best friend is dead! You're so close to me that I have to _tell_ you my feelings? You already know them! You know how I felt when Lily and James died, so you know how I feel now. And it is _horrible_! But there is no way to fix it. He'll still be dead, and I'll be miserable," he yelled, walking faster. Tonks kept up.

Her voice cracked a little as she responded, "When they died you didn't have anyone to help you. And it took years to move on, and I know you _still_ haven't. But you're not alone now Remus. You can live through this, with me and everyone else."

Remus breathed sharply. He couldn't trust that those words were true. He allowed people to support him as a young boy. It was bound to happen; he was so lonely growing up and those boys liked him for some reason. He gave himself the luxury of friendship and Hogwarts could never have been more magical to a child than it was to him. But it turned out to be the worst mistake he ever made. They risked their lives to give him company. He stuck up for Peter when James and Sirius weren't keen on having him in the group. Peter, who betrayed James and Lily and sucked the life out of Sirius. In truth, Remus was the reason for his own troubles. He killed his friends. He made the misery and lived in it.

_**Pain on pain on play, repeating**_

_**With the backup makeshift life in waiting.**_

_**Everybody says**_

_**Time heals everything**_

_**But what of the wretched hollow?**_

_**The endless in-between?**_

_**Are we just going to wait it out?**_

"Don't say that! It is impossible. Everyone close to me is in danger. More than normal danger," Remus faltered. This was sure to get another angry reply from Tonks. During the past few months, Remus made the same point several times, after which Tonks argued with him relentlessly. In those moments, he thought he saw a fire in her eyes, like the one in Lily's eyes that would scare James more than anything else.

Tonks frowned at him and grabbed his hand before Remus could stop her. She wouldn't look into his eyes, but Remus could feel her anger towards him and watched her straighten her posture and pull him across the street. She acted as though they were on a mission, but he was more of an enemy than a partner.

She lead him to the Holloway Road station, a small, old brick building with the day's trash scattered on the pathway leading inside. It was growing cooler and the sky was completely dark, not the navy blue that he saw when he left Grimmauld Place. It would take nearly an hour to return home and Remus didn't know if he could spend another minute with Tonks.

"Here is fine. I don't want you to waste your time on me," he tried to remain calm. Getting her upset seems to only make her stay longer.

Tonks remained set on her original plan. "We could apparate now. Or just take the tube to your place and I'll leave," he compromised. He just _had_ to befriend someone who could match his stubbornness.

In minutes, a bitter Remus and a resolute Tonks were on their way. The car felt stuffy, like the increasing pressure in Remus' ears as the tube pulled in, although the feeling wasn't restricted to his ears. The underground was a different world, looking relatively the same everywhere in the city, except the exits lead to vastly different corners of London.

Remus had to take the tube on occasion and always loved every minute of it. Time stood still there. At least when it wasn't rush hour. Tonks began and ended yet another argument by paying for both of them this time.

They sat on one end of their car, which carried in addition to the wizard and witch, a plump, middle-aged woman reading a book and two fatigued men listening to muggle cassettes. Tonks had Remus exactly where she wanted him. A place he can't escape inconspicuously and no one bothered about their conversation.

_**There's nothing to see here now**_

_**Turning the sign around**_

_**We're closed to the earth 'til further notice**_

_**A stumbling cliched case**_

_**Crumpled and puffy faced**_

_**Dead in the stare of a thousand miles**_

The train picked up speed, the passengers bouncing slightly. "Who are we fighting Remus?" Tonks asked him. Her eyebrows were raised slightly and her gaze, devoid of fire, reminded him of another redhaired woman. He felt like a child learning manners from Molly Weasley.

"Voldemort," he whispered, playing along. No one except muggles to hear them, but it was second nature to him.

"Right. And his people who chose to follow him and torture and kill innocent people. Voldemort, Peter, Bellatrix, and Greyback and others are responsible, Remus. We fight them. And we've had to bear the pain. But none of us caused it."

"They may be directly responsible, but-"

"That's all that matters! War...hell even _life_ has variables. We're fighting, so of course we're involved. You so bent on believing you caused this, but I can think of many people on our side who had more of a part in this mess than you. Harry likes to blame himself; maybe he's got a point. He fell for Voldemort's plan and Sirius had to come fight. Dumbledore shouldn't have trusted Snape to teach Harry occlumency. I should have fucking killed Bellatrix before she got to Sirius!" She looked away and Remus' anger dissipated at her last words.

He of all people knew what wanting revenge felt like. With Peter, he was less murderous than Sirius was because he believed for years that Peter was the loyal one killed by their mad friend. Harry had done the honorable thing, but if he could relive that night, Remus would kill Peter with no second thought.

"You couldn't help that. Bellatrix is skilled and her bloodlust-"

Tonks shook her head and sighed. "Yeah. She's tough and plays dirty. I'll get her one of these days. Finish what I started. The point is, I truly could have defeated her somehow. But none of us can fix our messes. And our actions may have lead to deaths and suffering that never should have happened. But it is the price for a chance at saving the future. Remus...your love isn't a death sentence." He could barely hear her over the rumble of the train, but the words hit him hard. Her eyes glistened and he felt her grip on his arm tighten.

_**All I want, only one, street-level miracle**_

_**I'll be an out-in-out, born-again, from none more cynical**_

_**Everybody says**_

_**That time heals everything**_

_**All in the end**_

_**What of the wretched hollow?**_

_**The endless in-between?**_

_**Are we just going to wait it out?**_

It was just a couple months ago, but he had a completely different life. That chapter was closed. Chapters in his life seemed to be drastically different these days. One friend was still alive and well and Remus' biggest concern (aside from his normal issues as a poor werewolf) was his Order missions. Wartime was never great, but this time he had many friends who truly supported him. Near the end of first war, Remus lost the trust of his greatest friends, so he felt alone even before they truly left him.

A couple months ago, he was the happiest he had ever been, save for his days in school. When he wasn't focused on missions and cheering up Sirius, he thought of the woman sitting next to him. Like most people, he took Tonks for a hip, young woman who, although brave and smart, was inexperienced and unaware of the danger she put herself in. After all, she was fresh out of Auror training and only 22. This idea was quickly proven wrong when he realized how much Mad Eye Moody admired her. That couldn't be said of many seasoned veterans of the first war, let alone a witch who wasn't even in school at the time.

They soon became friends. Her bubbly nature and humor brightened the gloomy times spent in Grimmauld. They shared a knack for trouble. He admired her decision to keep her normal appearance (and change her hair into whatever she liked) despite being able to look like the most captivating woman in the world. She didn't judge him based on his condition and they become so close that they seemed like best friends since childhood.

He fell for her, but he figured she would never reciprocate his feelings and kept quiet. But finally, a couple months ago, they were hiding in the woods for a mission and she proved him wrong. There were vernal winds instead of underground summer mugginess and Remus and Tonks filled the boring vigil with small talk. She noted that Sirius still retained his handsome features after his time in Azkaban and Remus was upset that after all these years, a girl preferred his best friend to him. To his surprise, she confessed her feelings for him. He was over the moon, but knew that they couldn't have a relationship because she would be at more risk.

Remus covered her hand, hooked onto his forearm, with his own. A tear fell from her eye and he wanted so badly to give in. He needed her, but nothing good could come of it. Friendship was a luxury he couldn't afford and he learned his lesson. Love and family was a miracle that many honorable people never got, let alone a werewolf.

He wrapped his arm around her and she rested her head on his chest. "Tonks...you deserve someone so much better. Some young man who can protect and...love you and give you everything you want. I would only pull you down."

She wiped her nose and leaned back to look at him. "I want _you_ to be there for me, like you've been ever since I first met you. I want us to protect each other. And you would, you do love me. You give me everything I want," her voice shook and he was frozen. In spite of the grief and pain weighing her down, she smiled and looked him in the eye. She started tearing up, but he found a spark in her eyes that he hadn't seen in a long time.

Remus heard her love for him whenever she brought up their relationship this past few months. It killed him to see the pain it caused her. But in her eyes was everything he had resolved to suppress. The love, the hope that failed to save him in the past.

_**Are we just going to wait it out?**_

_**And sit here cold?**_

_**We'll be long gone by then.**_

_**And lackluster in dust we lay**_

_**Around old magazines.**_

_**Fluorescent lighting sets the scene**_

_**For all we could and should be being**_

_**In the one life that we've got.**_

One of his favorite charms was the Patronus charm. He had the privilege of teaching Harry how to conjure one. Watching the boy staunchly learn to access his deepest emotions felt like he had his old friends back. James and the other marauders put in the same effort to become animagi to support him. That moment, next to Tonks, Remus felt like he was preparing to produce his strongest patronus yet. Could she see the same intensity in his eyes?

After a moment, he looked away and pulled away from her, resting his hand on her shoulder. Tonks wiped away her tears, still gazing at him.

Remus swallowed, unable to get the picture of her big brown eyes out of his mind. As much as he adored her ever-changing hair, her eyes were always his favorite feature. She had changed every other feature of her face in the past, but never her eyes.

He swallowed, "I could never protect you. Not only am I dangerous as a werewolf, but being attached to one, even in peacetime, is risky." Any future for them would be miserable. She would certainly lose her job as an Auror. Even if they made it out of the war alive, she would still suffer from the stigma against werewolves.

She clutched the side of his shirt, as if she was afraid he would vanish. "I love you, Remus. I would bear any trouble for you. We are fighting for a better future. Shouldn't we try to live that future for as long as we can?"

The doors slid open for the last stop and Remus pushed himself up. "No more, Dora," he mumbled, walking out to catch the next tube.

They didn't talk during the rest of the trip to his flat. Tonks made no move to touch him, for which he was grateful. He could only think about her words and his fears and her eyes and what she might have seen in his own.

After what felt like an eternity, they were walking towards his place. It was quiet, save for the occasional car rushing past them. The air was cooler than earlier. Tonks was fidgeting with her small hands, trying to keep warm, when Remus handed her his jumper.

She thanked him, debating whether she wanted to speak, before clearing her throat. "You know, if I were in your place, I would do the same thing," he turned to her then. "I get it. Considering what you had to deal with, you would never think of knowingly putting another loved one in danger. But I've gone through things too, Remus. I grew up learning to fight for love and happiness no matter what. It took my mum everything she had to be with my dad. I don't want to fear love. Maybe that's my own fight in all of this."

His heart pounded fast. How had he been proven wrong so many times in his life? He never thought he could even make friends with people before he went to school and found brothers. He couldn't imagine a steady lifestyle before he had one year working at Hogwarts. Most of all, he never foresaw a woman who loved him enough to put everything on the line.

They reached the apartment. Tonks took off his jumper and handed it back. "'Til next time then, Lupin."

"Tonks-"

"What ever happened to Dora?" she raised her eyebrows and gave a half-smile. He blushed slightly; he had only ever referred to her as Dora in his mind. Remus heard her father call her by that nickname and thought it very fitting. Tonks always felt too impersonal and Nymphadora, aside from her despising the name, was a mouthful.

She leaned on one leg, the position she holds herself in when she's making jokes, but she watched him expectantly. He actually didn't know what he wanted to say. "I care for you and I can't drag you into my mess. I was never meant to have love in my life. You don't belong with me."

She stepped closer to him. He looked at hair, still the shockingly dull brown, to avoid her eyes. "You may be able to deny yourself happiness, but we're in this together. Being without you is what hurts me. I know you'll understand this someday. It's hurting both of us. You can't just wait, because there is an end. We either come out of this unscathed or we don't. What will you do in the meantime?"

His face flushed as she brought a hand up to his cheek. Wrapping her arms around his shoulders and lifting herself up so she is face to face with him, she gave him a brief kiss on the cheek, making his face even warmer though her lips were cool.

Checking the surroundings, she disappeared with a pop. He took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. As adamant as he was that they couldn't take their relationship further, he felt foolish leaving the woman of his dreams. He would be a fool no matter what path he chose. The only thing that mattered was Dora. With some exceptions, he had lead a remarkable life for a werewolf. A small part of him couldn't help but want to be proven wrong, just once more.

_**Everybody says**_

_**That time heals everything**_

_**What of the wretched hollow?**_

_**The endless in-between?**_

_**Are we just going to wait it out?**_

_**And sit here**_

_**Just going to wait it out**_

_**And sit here cold**_

_**Just going to sweat it out**_

_**Wait it out**_


End file.
